Change of Address

To all my friends and followers:

Thank you for your support!  I have decided to change blog websites for additional features and security that another website offers.  I encourage you to follow my new blog (which still retains all my old blog entries) at http://cmyjourney.wordpress.com/.  As you will see, my blog has a new name ("this journey called life" was already taken... sad :/ )  I also have removed full names (including my own) for privacy purposes.  Thanks for understanding these changes, and I hope you will continue reading on my new site!

Memories

I just got home from back to back camps, and came home to an empty bedroom.  Since my bed was covered with all my junk I plopped down on my sister's bed to relax.  My eyes quickly drifted to her picture board above her bed.  Within seconds my eyes began to well up and tears threatened to burst forth.  The longer I looked, taking in each face, each expression, each moment, the harder it was to hold the tears back.  They finally came, and I let them slowly wash away the pain that had suddenly overtaken me.  And the strangest thing was, I'm not in any of those pictures.  They're mostly pictures of my sister and her best friend... well.. at least they used to be best friends.  I realized that I wasn't just crying for myself; I was crying for my sister.  My tears were for her loss and her pain and sorrow.  Things change so quickly so fast.  I remember taking some of those pictures, and being there for others.  I hate change.  I hate looking back and wishing for those days, knowing that they will never be again.

My thoughts shifted to my best friend... or at least..well... we're still friends....  I couldn't help but think how I would trade just about anything to re-live some of the memories we shared.  If I could go back a year, or two or three years, and go through all the crap and all the hurt and pain I would do it, just to be able to live those good  memories again.  I would experience envying my sister for being so close with her best friend, I would endure all the criticism and hurtful words from my own best friend, I would re-live every painful and exhausting moment of every fight I had with my boyfriend last school year, all just to be able to have those few good days back.  Those perfect moments when nothing could bring me down.  There's a saying that goes "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."  Well I think I have a right to do both.  I know I can never bring those days back.  Some things will never be the same.

Earlier today I tried to re-live a moment my best friend and I shared last summer on a road trip together.  I had the windows rolled down in the car and blared Monster, by Skillet, on my iPod just like she did on her stereo throughout that trip.  Maybe that's what triggered this unexpected flood of emotion tonight.  As my spirit began to settle, simple lines formed in my head:


I never thought I would wish the pain back
But the memories cling to me
And I can't let go
Cause along with the ugly came the good and the beautiful
After the hurt came forgiveness like a flood

So let me cry, let me weep
I'll be okay

Consistency

I told him there needs to be consistency.  He told me how he wanted to change, and I told him I needed to see those consistency with those changes before we can get back together.  But how do I measure consistency?  By time?  If so, then how long do I wait?  That's how I wanted to do it; just give it time, and if things are meant to work out then they will.  But that's so indefinite, and I am not a patient person.  It's so hard to measure by time anyways.  What if all the changes I'm looking for are fixed and things are going well?  How long do I wait?  How do I define consistency in that circumstance?

How else would I define consistency?  What should I be looking for?  I guess I'm confused by the standards I set.  I suppose I don't really know what I AM looking for.  I just want things to be better.  I don't want to get back together and fall into the same old pattern.  I don't want to resume dating and have things stop improving because "things are good enough now."

Prayers and wisdom are appreciated.

What to say?

There is absolutely, positively TOO MUCH to say to be able to write about it all.  So, I'll try to hit on the most important parts.

* Malachi and I have been talking more and continuing to pray.  I still love him, and at this point we will probably get back together when I return from the missions trip.  God has given me peace about this.
* Chelsea went to Gull Lake for camp training.  I miss her already :/
* I've learned that it's okay to be angry at God.  He can take it.  He'll still follow through with His promises and love you just the same.  (Just don't hold on to that anger too long)
* I told my parents I was doing something instead of asking them, and it went well!
* I read about ~250 pages of Ted Dekker's Immanuel's Veins in one day.  It was well over half the book, but I just had to finish it!  DEFINITELY RECOMMEND!
* I made no-bake cookies for the first time ever today!  I think they turned out well....  I hope they turned out well....  I made them as payment for a friend of the family who altered a dress for me.  Wouldn't it be awesome to get paid in cookies?!
* Hung out with my best friend today.... it went well.  She profusely apologized for the way she treated Malachi and me with our relationship last year.  I told her that I am not bitter, just frustrated.  Things weren't too awkward when we visited her boyfriend before I took her to work.

Well, tomorrow I leave for IWU to meet up with my World Impact team.  Watch the clock!  We fly out of Chicago at 7:35am to begin our trip to Haiti!  There was this song I remember my hearing the song "Come Expecting Jesus."  The first couple lines go:

"I come expecting Jesus
 To meet me in this place
 I come expecting to receive
 His mercy and His grace"

This is my prayer and the attitude of my heart for this trip.  May God use me to glorify Him, in any way He deems best.

Getting by

In the last few days I've experienced just about every negative extreme there is.  I went for four days without emotion; I couldn't cry or anything.  When people would ask about the situation with Malachi and me I would calmly explain what happened in a matter-of-fact tone.  I would pray, begging God that I would be able to feel something, that I would be able to cry and know I was still human.  Today I cried.  Last night I came close.

Depression closed it's ugly, yet alluring fingers around my throat and mind last night and today, suffocating every ounce of life.  I hated myself this morning.  I had to play the synthesizer keyboard for our Sunday morning praise team this morning, and I felt horrible for being up there.  I wanted to die.  I wanted to cease to exist.    I felt sick and it was all I could do to fake a smile a couple times when I was talking to people.  I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere.  I just wanted to be gone.  You know, I think there is a problem when I'm imagining suicide scenarios during the pastor's message.  (Not that I ever would kill myself.  But the thoughts do come, and more frequently since the break-up.  I'll probably bring that up in my next counseling session.)  At home, I never let the blade of the scissors penetrate my skin, although part of me wouldn't have cared if it did.  That's the thing about me; I can think, imagine, and pretend, but when it comes down to it, I don't have the guts to actually hurt myself.  I care too much about other people (primarily my family and close friends) to do anything serious.  (The one time was just an accident anyways.)  The heaviness lasted until sometime in the afternoon, when I was able to escape the world by reading.

Where do I go from here?  I saw Malachi tonight for the first time since the break-up.  I gave him a side-hug (like I do to any guy friends that would want a hug).  He called me later once I was home, and ended up talking again about how he's been praying, and really feels that God wants us to be together.  He even said that he when he was spending time in prayer the other day he had a strong feeling that "God's disappointed with us" right now, and that he feels like we're supposed to be a couple again before I leave on this missions trip.  What argument do I have?  The only one I can come up with is that God hasn't shown ME that we NEED to be together right now.  In fact, up until today (and maybe some of yesterday) I've been completely sure that this is the right thing for us at this time.  But now I'm not sure.  Who's hearing from God?  Part of me feels like with all the support and encouragement I've gotten from my friends and all the good talks we've had about this, it would be bad or look like I'm just weak to get back together.  And at the same time, I don't know if hearing what Malachi says is just tugging at my emotions.  But I can't assume he's flat out lying to me.  I mean, I know he's good with words, but to lie to me about what he's hearing from God in his times of prayer?  It just doesn't make sense.  Nothing does.  I don't know what I'm hearing from God, what is influenced by others, and what is just emotion.

Temptations

It's interesting how when you make a decision for God, Satan attacks even harder.  I don't think there was any point in my relationship with Malachi that I was more tempted than after we made a decision to set stricter boundaries.  He actually made the call, but I was thrilled because periodically I've felt that need too.  It was pretty easy at first.  We were both being really careful to stay within our new parameters.  After a few days things started getting difficult, at least for me.  The temptations would come whenever we were together, and I couldn't take it.  Last Saturday (the day we broke up) was the worst it had ever been for me.  I kept needing space, and I was almost in tears with how strong and frequent the temptations were.

I thought that ending things would at least help (although that had nothing to do with my reasons for breaking up).  It didn't.  In fact, the temptations have been even worse.  I don't understand!!!  How could being separated POSSIBLY make temptations harder?  We never even did anything wrong!  I don't know what to do.  I can pray about it, but the thoughts still come.  I can try to bounce my thoughts away, but it's so hard to do and eventually they come back.  What should I do?

No Matter What - Kerrie Roberts (Lyrics)

This song was such a blessing when I heard it today. It describes how I feel and my attitude perfectly; no matter what, I'll still love Him.

Closure

I've never really been good with this, but it's been such a blessing from God to finally have closure with Malachi over what happened.  The first time we talked today, we were able to discuss some things, and I felt a lot better afterwards.  We came to an understanding about things, and I think both of us were glad to have a peaceful ending.  And then.... anti-closure.  He called again saying that what we are doing is stupid, and that he wants me back.  And that he wasn't going to take no for an answer.  I was so upset!  I felt like he'd just thrown our previous conversation out the window.  He tried telling me how he'd been praying a lot about it and he thinks we should get back together.  How could he do this?  How could he put me in that kind of position?  Of course I said no, and that I would pray about it, but I was so frustrated and confused.

From there I went straight to dinner.  Nothing like going from complete uncertainty and frustration into a social situation :P  I left early from dinner so I could get back to my room to seek God's will.  I sat on my bed with my Bible and computer open.  In a Word document I went through the "worksheet" from yesterday, trying to figure out how I felt.  I still wasn't hearing from God, and that just added to my frustration.  Talk about pressure!  I have to decide whether to stay broken up with my boyfriend or get back together, and God was keeping quiet.  NOT HELPFUL.  I mean, I'm trying to seek God and what He has for me.  And He was the one who told me to break up in the first place.  *sigh*  I did feel a little better after figuring out all my feelings and what I needed to do, though.  Though I knew I needed to pray, I felt God was saying that I needed to just rest for a bit, so I left everything out and took a nap.  I woke up just in time to leave for a track event with my friends, but when we found out it was cancelled I was able to return to my room and pray.  I may not have been the nicest to God in the beginning, but thank goodness He is patient and forgiving!  In His still, small voice I received my answer.  There was a good reason we broke up, and it needs to stay that way for a bit.  I had complete peace about it; the moment was beautiful.

I was nervous about calling Malachi back and discussing this with him, but God was at work again.  Malachi was understanding, he listened to everything I had to say, and he even apologized for his last call.  We came to an even better understanding, and even discussed a couple concerns about each other before leaving.  We left in peace, and had true closure about it all.  I was able to tell a couple of my teammates about it, and I was happy the rest of the night.  All I can say is, I know that God is faithful.

Counseling

I know people have mixed feelings and opinions when it comes to counseling, but I find it beneficial.  Today I was given a "worksheet" persay to help me deal with issues that burden me.  Maybe it could help you too.


Ask:  1. What is on my mind?
                                  my thoughts...
                                  my feelings...
                                  my experiences...
Jot them down one at a time.  Use the feelings list.

2. What are my thoughts towards myself?
Watch out for irrational/negative thinking patterns.  (i.e. All or Nothing Thinking, Black or White, Magnifications/Catastrophying)
Work to adjust your thinking.

3. Make a list of potential responses and/or solutions.
         Ask: What is within my control?
                  What do I need to let go of?
                  What is my responsibility (direct control)?
                  What do I need to do now?
                  What can be prayed about more and decided on later?

4. Work to alleviate stress in healthy ways.


This is supposed to help when I'm stressing out about making decisions and/or dealing with issues.  I'm working on finding healthy ways to deal with problems and negative emotions.  Hopefully the papers I got from counseling today and the my friend gave me Sunday night will help.  And as I do this more, and also grow in my relationship and understanding of Christ, I know it will get better.

Distractions

I broke up with my boyfriend of 16 months Saturday, so life pretty much sucks right now.  I'm doing anything I can to stay busy and out of my house.  Last night I enjoyed watching the movie SALT with my sister and a couple friends from my church.  Of course I couldn't focus through the whole thing without thoughts, memories, and regrets of breaking up; and by the end I was feeling sick.  As much as I wanted to go home, I wasn't going to break up the fun that was going on, so I sat on the couch looking miserable.  When my sister brought up leaving, our friend (used to be mentor, kind of), asked about how I was doing.

It took no more than a few sentences of explanation before she was talking and trying to help. As much as I appreciated it, I just wanted to leave.  My emotions drove me over the edge, and I cried.  I appreciated her comfort, but the hurt just wouldn't subside.  I felt pathetic.  Why was I acting like this?  Why couldn't I just die?  She pulled out some papers from counseling she had gone through, and gave me ideas to help me get through this.  Distractions, she said, would help keep the intensity level of my pain low and bearable.  She also recommended I do something like start a blog.  She asked what kind of things I like, or like to do.  Let's see if I can recall the list... 1. Sing (burn happy and uplifting cds)  2.Play the piano (be one in the moment)   3. Run   4. Go out   5. Eat chocolate or tortilla chips (in moderation of course. and don't criticize my cravings :P)   6. Jigsaw puzzles   7. Laundry (yes, I enjoy doing laundry).  By the time we got to 8, I couldn't think of any more.  Her brainstorming came up with "beaches", and that thought sent me into the worst downward spiral I've had since the break up.  Malachi and I loved taking beach trips last summer, and had planned on more this summer.  Beaches held so may amazing memories.  I couldn't stop crying.  I had a panic attack so bad that my friend gave me glycomine to calm me down.  It was awful.  It felt like hell.  I couldn't do anything but cry and wish for death.  I tried to pray, but it  wasn't helping.  I felt like my heart was shattering over and over again.  Imagine being completely broken, and then someone picking up the pieces and throwing them to the concrete ground to break them again.  I have no idea how long this lasted before my uncontrollable sobbing diminished to a quiet whimper.  My friend just held me as I laid my head in her lap and curled up on the couch, clinging to her knees.  Her gentle, consoling voice continued to calm me, and I felt the tension slowly leave my body.  My heart still hurt, and I didn't want to let go of the pain and depression.  But as the minutes passed by I regained control of my mind and body.

I left last night knowing I was equipped with the tools and knowledge to help me get through this, but wanting to fight it.  Too long have I been accustomed to holding onto my negative feelings, and the thought of intentionally refusing these emotions of sadness and depression seemed simply unacceptable and unrealistic.  But the seeds of positive emotion had been planted in my mind, and God wasn't about to let me forget about them.  Today as I spent the morning cleaning for my grandparents (a welcome distraction), I found myself putting my friend's suggestions to use.  I began to focus on what I was doing in the moment.  At times I would notice myself listening to the sounds around me, thinking about how the warm water and soap suds felt on my hands, or focusing on the textures of the dishes I was washing.  I played a game where I had to try to find a certain number of things of different colors.  During lunch I focused on the moment, and gently pushed aside any thoughts or hurt or memories.  Even since I've been home, I've been doing things I enjoy without letting my thoughts wander from the moment I'm in.    It's difficult at times, but the desire to sink into depression again has faded.  Today, and until the pain passes, I welcome distractions.

Oh the irony!  Of all the shirts I could've picked

 to wear yesterday... and I chose this one.