It took no more than a few sentences of explanation before she was talking and trying to help. As much as I appreciated it, I just wanted to leave. My emotions drove me over the edge, and I cried. I appreciated her comfort, but the hurt just wouldn't subside. I felt pathetic. Why was I acting like this? Why couldn't I just die? She pulled out some papers from counseling she had gone through, and gave me ideas to help me get through this. Distractions, she said, would help keep the intensity level of my pain low and bearable. She also recommended I do something like start a blog. She asked what kind of things I like, or like to do. Let's see if I can recall the list... 1. Sing (burn happy and uplifting cds) 2.Play the piano (be one in the moment) 3. Run 4. Go out 5. Eat chocolate or tortilla chips (in moderation of course. and don't criticize my cravings :P) 6. Jigsaw puzzles 7. Laundry (yes, I enjoy doing laundry). By the time we got to 8, I couldn't think of any more. Her brainstorming came up with "beaches", and that thought sent me into the worst downward spiral I've had since the break up. Malachi and I loved taking beach trips last summer, and had planned on more this summer. Beaches held so may amazing memories. I couldn't stop crying. I had a panic attack so bad that my friend gave me glycomine to calm me down. It was awful. It felt like hell. I couldn't do anything but cry and wish for death. I tried to pray, but it wasn't helping. I felt like my heart was shattering over and over again. Imagine being completely broken, and then someone picking up the pieces and throwing them to the concrete ground to break them again. I have no idea how long this lasted before my uncontrollable sobbing diminished to a quiet whimper. My friend just held me as I laid my head in her lap and curled up on the couch, clinging to her knees. Her gentle, consoling voice continued to calm me, and I felt the tension slowly leave my body. My heart still hurt, and I didn't want to let go of the pain and depression. But as the minutes passed by I regained control of my mind and body.
I left last night knowing I was equipped with the tools and knowledge to help me get through this, but wanting to fight it. Too long have I been accustomed to holding onto my negative feelings, and the thought of intentionally refusing these emotions of sadness and depression seemed simply unacceptable and unrealistic. But the seeds of positive emotion had been planted in my mind, and God wasn't about to let me forget about them. Today as I spent the morning cleaning for my grandparents (a welcome distraction), I found myself putting my friend's suggestions to use. I began to focus on what I was doing in the moment. At times I would notice myself listening to the sounds around me, thinking about how the warm water and soap suds felt on my hands, or focusing on the textures of the dishes I was washing. I played a game where I had to try to find a certain number of things of different colors. During lunch I focused on the moment, and gently pushed aside any thoughts or hurt or memories. Even since I've been home, I've been doing things I enjoy without letting my thoughts wander from the moment I'm in. It's difficult at times, but the desire to sink into depression again has faded. Today, and until the pain passes, I welcome distractions.
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| Oh the irony! Of all the shirts I could've picked | to wear yesterday... and I chose this one. |
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