Getting by

In the last few days I've experienced just about every negative extreme there is.  I went for four days without emotion; I couldn't cry or anything.  When people would ask about the situation with Malachi and me I would calmly explain what happened in a matter-of-fact tone.  I would pray, begging God that I would be able to feel something, that I would be able to cry and know I was still human.  Today I cried.  Last night I came close.

Depression closed it's ugly, yet alluring fingers around my throat and mind last night and today, suffocating every ounce of life.  I hated myself this morning.  I had to play the synthesizer keyboard for our Sunday morning praise team this morning, and I felt horrible for being up there.  I wanted to die.  I wanted to cease to exist.    I felt sick and it was all I could do to fake a smile a couple times when I was talking to people.  I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere.  I just wanted to be gone.  You know, I think there is a problem when I'm imagining suicide scenarios during the pastor's message.  (Not that I ever would kill myself.  But the thoughts do come, and more frequently since the break-up.  I'll probably bring that up in my next counseling session.)  At home, I never let the blade of the scissors penetrate my skin, although part of me wouldn't have cared if it did.  That's the thing about me; I can think, imagine, and pretend, but when it comes down to it, I don't have the guts to actually hurt myself.  I care too much about other people (primarily my family and close friends) to do anything serious.  (The one time was just an accident anyways.)  The heaviness lasted until sometime in the afternoon, when I was able to escape the world by reading.

Where do I go from here?  I saw Malachi tonight for the first time since the break-up.  I gave him a side-hug (like I do to any guy friends that would want a hug).  He called me later once I was home, and ended up talking again about how he's been praying, and really feels that God wants us to be together.  He even said that he when he was spending time in prayer the other day he had a strong feeling that "God's disappointed with us" right now, and that he feels like we're supposed to be a couple again before I leave on this missions trip.  What argument do I have?  The only one I can come up with is that God hasn't shown ME that we NEED to be together right now.  In fact, up until today (and maybe some of yesterday) I've been completely sure that this is the right thing for us at this time.  But now I'm not sure.  Who's hearing from God?  Part of me feels like with all the support and encouragement I've gotten from my friends and all the good talks we've had about this, it would be bad or look like I'm just weak to get back together.  And at the same time, I don't know if hearing what Malachi says is just tugging at my emotions.  But I can't assume he's flat out lying to me.  I mean, I know he's good with words, but to lie to me about what he's hearing from God in his times of prayer?  It just doesn't make sense.  Nothing does.  I don't know what I'm hearing from God, what is influenced by others, and what is just emotion.