Thank you for your support! I have decided to change blog websites for additional features and security that another website offers. I encourage you to follow my new blog (which still retains all my old blog entries) at http://cmyjourney.wordpress.com/. As you will see, my blog has a new name ("this journey called life" was already taken... sad :/ ) I also have removed full names (including my own) for privacy purposes. Thanks for understanding these changes, and I hope you will continue reading on my new site!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Memories
I just got home from back to back camps, and came home to an empty bedroom. Since my bed was covered with all my junk I plopped down on my sister's bed to relax. My eyes quickly drifted to her picture board above her bed. Within seconds my eyes began to well up and tears threatened to burst forth. The longer I looked, taking in each face, each expression, each moment, the harder it was to hold the tears back. They finally came, and I let them slowly wash away the pain that had suddenly overtaken me. And the strangest thing was, I'm not in any of those pictures. They're mostly pictures of my sister and her best friend... well.. at least they used to be best friends. I realized that I wasn't just crying for myself; I was crying for my sister. My tears were for her loss and her pain and sorrow. Things change so quickly so fast. I remember taking some of those pictures, and being there for others. I hate change. I hate looking back and wishing for those days, knowing that they will never be again.
My thoughts shifted to my best friend... or at least..well... we're still friends.... I couldn't help but think how I would trade just about anything to re-live some of the memories we shared. If I could go back a year, or two or three years, and go through all the crap and all the hurt and pain I would do it, just to be able to live those good memories again. I would experience envying my sister for being so close with her best friend, I would endure all the criticism and hurtful words from my own best friend, I would re-live every painful and exhausting moment of every fight I had with my boyfriend last school year, all just to be able to have those few good days back. Those perfect moments when nothing could bring me down. There's a saying that goes "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Well I think I have a right to do both. I know I can never bring those days back. Some things will never be the same.
Earlier today I tried to re-live a moment my best friend and I shared last summer on a road trip together. I had the windows rolled down in the car and blared Monster, by Skillet, on my iPod just like she did on her stereo throughout that trip. Maybe that's what triggered this unexpected flood of emotion tonight. As my spirit began to settle, simple lines formed in my head:
I never thought I would wish the pain back
But the memories cling to me
And I can't let go
Cause along with the ugly came the good and the beautiful
After the hurt came forgiveness like a flood
So let me cry, let me weep
I'll be okay
My thoughts shifted to my best friend... or at least..well... we're still friends.... I couldn't help but think how I would trade just about anything to re-live some of the memories we shared. If I could go back a year, or two or three years, and go through all the crap and all the hurt and pain I would do it, just to be able to live those good memories again. I would experience envying my sister for being so close with her best friend, I would endure all the criticism and hurtful words from my own best friend, I would re-live every painful and exhausting moment of every fight I had with my boyfriend last school year, all just to be able to have those few good days back. Those perfect moments when nothing could bring me down. There's a saying that goes "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." Well I think I have a right to do both. I know I can never bring those days back. Some things will never be the same.
Earlier today I tried to re-live a moment my best friend and I shared last summer on a road trip together. I had the windows rolled down in the car and blared Monster, by Skillet, on my iPod just like she did on her stereo throughout that trip. Maybe that's what triggered this unexpected flood of emotion tonight. As my spirit began to settle, simple lines formed in my head:
I never thought I would wish the pain back
But the memories cling to me
And I can't let go
Cause along with the ugly came the good and the beautiful
After the hurt came forgiveness like a flood
So let me cry, let me weep
I'll be okay
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Consistency
I told him there needs to be consistency. He told me how he wanted to change, and I told him I needed to see those consistency with those changes before we can get back together. But how do I measure consistency? By time? If so, then how long do I wait? That's how I wanted to do it; just give it time, and if things are meant to work out then they will. But that's so indefinite, and I am not a patient person. It's so hard to measure by time anyways. What if all the changes I'm looking for are fixed and things are going well? How long do I wait? How do I define consistency in that circumstance?
How else would I define consistency? What should I be looking for? I guess I'm confused by the standards I set. I suppose I don't really know what I AM looking for. I just want things to be better. I don't want to get back together and fall into the same old pattern. I don't want to resume dating and have things stop improving because "things are good enough now."
Prayers and wisdom are appreciated.
How else would I define consistency? What should I be looking for? I guess I'm confused by the standards I set. I suppose I don't really know what I AM looking for. I just want things to be better. I don't want to get back together and fall into the same old pattern. I don't want to resume dating and have things stop improving because "things are good enough now."
Prayers and wisdom are appreciated.
Friday, June 3, 2011
What to say?
There is absolutely, positively TOO MUCH to say to be able to write about it all. So, I'll try to hit on the most important parts.
* Malachi and I have been talking more and continuing to pray. I still love him, and at this point we will probably get back together when I return from the missions trip. God has given me peace about this.
* Chelsea went to Gull Lake for camp training. I miss her already :/
* I've learned that it's okay to be angry at God. He can take it. He'll still follow through with His promises and love you just the same. (Just don't hold on to that anger too long)
* I told my parents I was doing something instead of asking them, and it went well!
* I read about ~250 pages of Ted Dekker's Immanuel's Veins in one day. It was well over half the book, but I just had to finish it! DEFINITELY RECOMMEND!
* I made no-bake cookies for the first time ever today! I think they turned out well.... I hope they turned out well.... I made them as payment for a friend of the family who altered a dress for me. Wouldn't it be awesome to get paid in cookies?!
* Hung out with my best friend today.... it went well. She profusely apologized for the way she treated Malachi and me with our relationship last year. I told her that I am not bitter, just frustrated. Things weren't too awkward when we visited her boyfriend before I took her to work.
Well, tomorrow I leave for IWU to meet up with my World Impact team. Watch the clock! We fly out of Chicago at 7:35am to begin our trip to Haiti! There was this song I remember my hearing the song "Come Expecting Jesus." The first couple lines go:
This is my prayer and the attitude of my heart for this trip. May God use me to glorify Him, in any way He deems best.
* Malachi and I have been talking more and continuing to pray. I still love him, and at this point we will probably get back together when I return from the missions trip. God has given me peace about this.
* Chelsea went to Gull Lake for camp training. I miss her already :/
* I've learned that it's okay to be angry at God. He can take it. He'll still follow through with His promises and love you just the same. (Just don't hold on to that anger too long)
* I told my parents I was doing something instead of asking them, and it went well!
* I read about ~250 pages of Ted Dekker's Immanuel's Veins in one day. It was well over half the book, but I just had to finish it! DEFINITELY RECOMMEND!
* I made no-bake cookies for the first time ever today! I think they turned out well.... I hope they turned out well.... I made them as payment for a friend of the family who altered a dress for me. Wouldn't it be awesome to get paid in cookies?!
* Hung out with my best friend today.... it went well. She profusely apologized for the way she treated Malachi and me with our relationship last year. I told her that I am not bitter, just frustrated. Things weren't too awkward when we visited her boyfriend before I took her to work.
Well, tomorrow I leave for IWU to meet up with my World Impact team. Watch the clock! We fly out of Chicago at 7:35am to begin our trip to Haiti! There was this song I remember my hearing the song "Come Expecting Jesus." The first couple lines go:
"I come expecting Jesus To meet me in this place I come expecting to receive His mercy and His grace"
This is my prayer and the attitude of my heart for this trip. May God use me to glorify Him, in any way He deems best.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Getting by
In the last few days I've experienced just about every negative extreme there is. I went for four days without emotion; I couldn't cry or anything. When people would ask about the situation with Malachi and me I would calmly explain what happened in a matter-of-fact tone. I would pray, begging God that I would be able to feel something, that I would be able to cry and know I was still human. Today I cried. Last night I came close.
Depression closed it's ugly, yet alluring fingers around my throat and mind last night and today, suffocating every ounce of life. I hated myself this morning. I had to play the synthesizer keyboard for our Sunday morning praise team this morning, and I felt horrible for being up there. I wanted to die. I wanted to cease to exist. I felt sick and it was all I could do to fake a smile a couple times when I was talking to people. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere. I just wanted to be gone. You know, I think there is a problem when I'm imagining suicide scenarios during the pastor's message. (Not that I ever would kill myself. But the thoughts do come, and more frequently since the break-up. I'll probably bring that up in my next counseling session.) At home, I never let the blade of the scissors penetrate my skin, although part of me wouldn't have cared if it did. That's the thing about me; I can think, imagine, and pretend, but when it comes down to it, I don't have the guts to actually hurt myself. I care too much about other people (primarily my family and close friends) to do anything serious. (The one time was just an accident anyways.) The heaviness lasted until sometime in the afternoon, when I was able to escape the world by reading.
Where do I go from here? I saw Malachi tonight for the first time since the break-up. I gave him a side-hug (like I do to any guy friends that would want a hug). He called me later once I was home, and ended up talking again about how he's been praying, and really feels that God wants us to be together. He even said that he when he was spending time in prayer the other day he had a strong feeling that "God's disappointed with us" right now, and that he feels like we're supposed to be a couple again before I leave on this missions trip. What argument do I have? The only one I can come up with is that God hasn't shown ME that we NEED to be together right now. In fact, up until today (and maybe some of yesterday) I've been completely sure that this is the right thing for us at this time. But now I'm not sure. Who's hearing from God? Part of me feels like with all the support and encouragement I've gotten from my friends and all the good talks we've had about this, it would be bad or look like I'm just weak to get back together. And at the same time, I don't know if hearing what Malachi says is just tugging at my emotions. But I can't assume he's flat out lying to me. I mean, I know he's good with words, but to lie to me about what he's hearing from God in his times of prayer? It just doesn't make sense. Nothing does. I don't know what I'm hearing from God, what is influenced by others, and what is just emotion.
Depression closed it's ugly, yet alluring fingers around my throat and mind last night and today, suffocating every ounce of life. I hated myself this morning. I had to play the synthesizer keyboard for our Sunday morning praise team this morning, and I felt horrible for being up there. I wanted to die. I wanted to cease to exist. I felt sick and it was all I could do to fake a smile a couple times when I was talking to people. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere. I just wanted to be gone. You know, I think there is a problem when I'm imagining suicide scenarios during the pastor's message. (Not that I ever would kill myself. But the thoughts do come, and more frequently since the break-up. I'll probably bring that up in my next counseling session.) At home, I never let the blade of the scissors penetrate my skin, although part of me wouldn't have cared if it did. That's the thing about me; I can think, imagine, and pretend, but when it comes down to it, I don't have the guts to actually hurt myself. I care too much about other people (primarily my family and close friends) to do anything serious. (The one time was just an accident anyways.) The heaviness lasted until sometime in the afternoon, when I was able to escape the world by reading.
Where do I go from here? I saw Malachi tonight for the first time since the break-up. I gave him a side-hug (like I do to any guy friends that would want a hug). He called me later once I was home, and ended up talking again about how he's been praying, and really feels that God wants us to be together. He even said that he when he was spending time in prayer the other day he had a strong feeling that "God's disappointed with us" right now, and that he feels like we're supposed to be a couple again before I leave on this missions trip. What argument do I have? The only one I can come up with is that God hasn't shown ME that we NEED to be together right now. In fact, up until today (and maybe some of yesterday) I've been completely sure that this is the right thing for us at this time. But now I'm not sure. Who's hearing from God? Part of me feels like with all the support and encouragement I've gotten from my friends and all the good talks we've had about this, it would be bad or look like I'm just weak to get back together. And at the same time, I don't know if hearing what Malachi says is just tugging at my emotions. But I can't assume he's flat out lying to me. I mean, I know he's good with words, but to lie to me about what he's hearing from God in his times of prayer? It just doesn't make sense. Nothing does. I don't know what I'm hearing from God, what is influenced by others, and what is just emotion.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Temptations
It's interesting how when you make a decision for God, Satan attacks even harder. I don't think there was any point in my relationship with Malachi that I was more tempted than after we made a decision to set stricter boundaries. He actually made the call, but I was thrilled because periodically I've felt that need too. It was pretty easy at first. We were both being really careful to stay within our new parameters. After a few days things started getting difficult, at least for me. The temptations would come whenever we were together, and I couldn't take it. Last Saturday (the day we broke up) was the worst it had ever been for me. I kept needing space, and I was almost in tears with how strong and frequent the temptations were.
I thought that ending things would at least help (although that had nothing to do with my reasons for breaking up). It didn't. In fact, the temptations have been even worse. I don't understand!!! How could being separated POSSIBLY make temptations harder? We never even did anything wrong! I don't know what to do. I can pray about it, but the thoughts still come. I can try to bounce my thoughts away, but it's so hard to do and eventually they come back. What should I do?
I thought that ending things would at least help (although that had nothing to do with my reasons for breaking up). It didn't. In fact, the temptations have been even worse. I don't understand!!! How could being separated POSSIBLY make temptations harder? We never even did anything wrong! I don't know what to do. I can pray about it, but the thoughts still come. I can try to bounce my thoughts away, but it's so hard to do and eventually they come back. What should I do?
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